


Bird Song

by Willowingends



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canon Universe, F/F, Happy Ending, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-10-26 08:32:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17742536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Willowingends/pseuds/Willowingends
Summary: There's a small bird locked away in both their hearts. Smothered, caged, suffocating. Loud, fluttering, molting. Back and forth they circle around each other, uncertain how to free them. Unsure if they want to.





	1. Caged

“Do you like someone Beau?”

 

“I like a lot of people Jester. I guess. I mean. I like Caduceus. Fjord and Caleb are alright. Nott.”

 

“No I mean, do you  _ like  _ like someone?”

 

Beauregard pushed herself up on one arm, glancing over at Jester who was curled up on her own bed, her  _ blue  _ eyes focused solely on Beau. But as the monk looked at her, the gaze seemed to travel somewhere over her shoulder. There was a sadness lurking in the back of Jester’s eyes that made Beau's chest ache. Made her wonder what had brought up this conversation. Then again, she didn't have to wonder hard. Jester's crush was so transparent anyone could see it. The way she lit up when Fjord was kind to her, when she could get Fjord to admit anything to her, could cause a blind man to see. 

 

It tore at something in Beau’ chest. But it was just something else she locked away. Just another emotion to kill and truth to hide.

 

“Beau?”

 

“No. No one.”

 

“No one?” There was hesitance in her tone now. A softness laced with sadness. Or uncertainty. “Not even Keg?”

 

A small, half-hearted and bitter smile played on Beau's lips. “Keg was nice but nah. Not. Nothing more than a friend.”

 

Someone who had warmed her up one night. Who had been a brilliant light for half a second before Beau had remembered she didn't deserve such softness. Better to hurt. Better to be denied. Better to punish herself.

 

“Why? Is there someone you like?”

 

A moment's silence. The sound of sheets rustling, a tail thumping hard against the bed. Then, softly, “Oh well. I mean. I like Fjord. And Caleb can be sweet. And Cali was-”  A soft, heavy sigh. Something in Beau's heart fluttered. A caged bird whose wings were quickly clipped, who's song was smothered before it could begin. “She was nice and pretty. But. But no. I don't  _ like _ anyone.”

 

For another moment there was only silence, and then a few more moments passed and Beau thought the tiefling had fallen asleep. Then her voice filled the silent room again.

 

“Liking people hurts.”

 

Beauregard couldn't agree more, but she couldn't think of a way to respond. So she lay in silence until she heard Jester roll over.

 

Yeah. Liking people  _ hurt. _

 

* * *

 

 

Leaving The Lavish Chateau again was hard. Harder than Jester had expected. A part of her really did want to stay behind. To stay safe with her Mama. To be safe from the cruelty she had seen in the world. To hide away from the pain of loss, of losing, of longing. 

 

But she had a duty. She had friends now. Friends who depended on her. Friends who were important and would do anything for her.

 

Her eyes drifted to the proud form of Beauregard sitting at the front of their wagon. Her strong shoulders, her sharp eyes. The tension that sat on both.  

 

And she knew they needed her too. 

 

She knew Beau wouldn't admit it, but Jester could see the worry. Could see the struggle that carried the woman through the day. One picked up on those things when they were roommates. She knew Beau sat up at night after her stretches, wrapping and rewrapping her hands, her blue eyes staring in to space. She said she was meditating, but Jester thought she was thinking. Thinking hard on things she didn't share with anyone. 

 

Jester thought she should share things more often, but she knew Beau wouldn't listen. 

 

Her fingers curled hard in to the wood of the wagon. She just wanted her friends happy and safe.

 

“What am I supposed to do, Traveler?” 

 

Her whispered words seem to hang in the air as she stared at Beau, her heart aching. But no answer came this time. No answer but Beau looking over her shoulder and flashing Jester an encouraging smile. 

 

Jester felt her throat closing up with some emotion of longing. She buried her head in her arms when Beau turned away, ignoring Nott's question if she was ill. 

 

She was sick alright, but it wasn't curable. 

 

* * *

 

Beau's eyes glanced over at Jester as she finished reading the smut book aloud. So, this was the stuff the tiefling was in to. Romance. Devotion. Soft caresses and roguish men. Dashing heroes who could be emotionally vulnerable. 

 

Everything Beau was not. 

 

She carefully closed the book and handed it back to Jester. Her eyes flitted away as their fingers brushed over the cover. 

 

“It was really good. I mean, for reading underground. I. Yeah.” She grumbled.

 

“Yeah! Really good!” 

 

Beau glanced back over quickly at the stuffy voice Jester had. Her eyebrows swept downwards as she took in the sight of Jester with her mouth covered by her hand. The way her legs squeezed together as she leaned back to tuck the book back in the haversack.

 

Oh. 

 

She bit her tongue and turned to return to walking with the others. She didn't want to think about the things the book had done to Jester.

 

Things she could never do. Things she didn't have the right to think about much less do. Jester was interested in Fjord, and besides that, they were trying to save Nott's husband. Now wasn't the time for her own romantic hang ups.

 

It was nothing but difficult when adventurers started dating. 

 

* * *

 

 

“It just isn't fair Traveler!” 

 

Jester had taken herself to the back of the group, but only far enough to have a little bit of privacy. She was grateful for the need to keep moving. It kept her mind off of. Other things.

 

The way Beau's voice had become so different. Smooth like honey and rich like cake. How her voice had clung to certain syllables, hung over words. The way her fingers had curled around pages. The pages of her book!

 

“You seem frustrated, little one.” His voice whispered in her ear and Jester turned her head to follow him. “I thought it was the warlock you desired.”

 

“I did. But now. I just. I don't know!” She scowled as she watched Beau ahead of her. “I just need your help!”

 

Again his warmth came, hands teasing her cheeks in to a smile she didn't feel. “You don't need my help Jester. You're quite capable on your own. Just ask the question, like you always do. You might be surprised, my little trickster.”

 

And with that, he was gone again, and she felt like a canary gasping for air in the dark tunnel.

 

* * *

 

“Beau, are you secretly in love with me?” 

 

The question in the night caught Beau off guard. As usual, they had curled up on one side of the bubble with Yasha. Not that it meant much in such close quarters, but behind the woman's back a bit of privacy was afforded. And she was already deep asleep. Usually they used that privacy to review the day, to make sure each other were okay after the trials they faced. 

 

And they had done that, up until now.

 

But Beau wasn't sure how to respond. If Jester had asked in the light of day, while they were with the group, moving through the tunnel, Beauregard could have answered easily. With a smile, with a laugh, with wiggled eyebrows and a thrown wink.  _ How could I not be, Jester _ ? She would joke while her chest ached.

 

But in the dark of the bubble, in the shadow of Yasha’s slowly moving shoulders, with the tiefling so close to her she could count every freckle.

 

She couldn't breathe. And she couldn't close her eyes. And she couldn't lie.

 

“Yeah.” 

 

Her voice cracked and she winced away from the shocked look that came to Jester's face. She wanted to crawl out of the bubble. To hide away and stuff her feelings back in to the deep dark hole they belonged in.

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yeah, oh. I'm going to sleep.” 

 

Perhaps her words were too sharp. Perhaps she was too scathing. But it was better to strangle the soft song in her chest and pretend it hadn't happened.

 

Jester would have laughed it off by morning.

 

* * *

 

 

Jester lay silent, staring up at the bubble. She hadn't expected anything to come from following the Traveler's advice. She had thought it was another joke. Something to distract her. To help her get over the pain. 

 

She hadn't expected the defensive answer Beau had given her. She hadn't expected the positive reply.

 

She hadn't prepared for the pain in those blue eyes before the human rolled away from her. 

 

Her hand fluttered up to rest on her chest. Above the rapid beating of her heart. The uncertainty of her next move that filled her. The hopeful fluttering that came between her ribs now.

 

Should she speak now? Wait till morning? Wait until they were out of the tunnel?

 

She didn't know. She wasn't sure. 

 

Hesitantly she reached out and lay a hand on Beau's shoulder. She winced, closing her eyes against the way Beau tensed under the touch. 

 

“I really like someone Beau.” She whispered softly, remembering the last time they had been certainly safe. Certainly happy. “And maybe I shouldn't do anything about it until all this is over but-”

 

“You're right. It should wait.” Beau's voice was sharp, but Jester grit her teeth and talked over her.

 

“But I want her to know I'm secretly in love with her too!"


	2. Chapter 2

There was a tension in the air. A silence that hung heavy between all of the Mighty Nein. Beau shrugged off the concerned words of Fjord, the heavy and thoughtful gaze of Caduceus. There was too much going on. More things to focus on. Things more important than the heavy weight in her stomach, the cold feeling in her chest, the effort it took to breathe.

 

It wasn't any of their business and they had a job to do.

 

It wasn't any of their business that now she strode at the head of the group, that her shoulders sat high with tension. She was on the alert. She was on the watch. She was moving ahead of their problems.

 

Everything could wait for when they were out of this damn tunnel that made you feel like the rest of the world faded away. Like a few words in the night could become a kiss. That a kiss could become wandering hands and soft gasps. That soft gasps could become silenced moans that became faded memories in the dark morning.

 

A stupid tunnel that could make a bird sing before it was strangled by the encroaching darkness that nipped at their heels.

 

Life was different when the world couldn't see it. And it was no use trying to pretend that anything could come of something down here. 

 

It was better to kill what could never be before it attempted to grow into something painful. Before it could escape its cage.

 

Soon enough they'd be out of this tunnel, soft memories would be forgotten, life would go back to normal, and experiments and wandering would remain only that.

 

\------------

 

Jester waved away Nott's worry, the way the woman poked at her. She tried to remind her that they needed to focus on finding her husband. Returning her to to her  _ love _ . She laughed and smiled when Caleb tried to talk to her, saying it was only the darkness and the dust that made the skin around her eyes look puffy under his dancing lights.

 

She ignored how Yasha watched them both, a heaviness in her eyes, a frown upon her lips.

 

It wasn't their concern. She would be okay. She was always okay. And she wasn't going to let a little heartbreak tear apart their happy family.

 

She just wished Beau would  _ talk  _ to her about what had happened. Had she done something wrong? Had she pushed too hard too fast? Had that brief moment when Beau had let go and let herself come apart around her curled fingers not meant anything at all?

 

Was she just a friend? Not. Nothing more? 

 

The thought made something within her thrash. Made her chest hurt like something was violently fighting to live and yet was dying inside all the same.

 

Her mama had been right.  _ She  _ had been right.

 

Liking someone  _ hurt. _

 

But she had to keep smiling. She had to keep moving forward. The world was made for exploring, for fun, and moping in her own pain wouldn't make anyone else happy around her. 

 

So when light came, and they stepped back out in to the dangerous world, she faced it with a smile and eyes just a bit too bright.

 

\--------------

Her hands are on fire. That's what it feels like. But what mattered was Nott was safe. Back with them. Getting healed. That was what mattered.

 

Their family was together, safe, and they wouldn't have to show up to rescue Yeza with only the news that his beloved wife had died.

 

Still her hands blister up and she stares down at them. Clueless as what to do. They are burned and blistered but they are small things compared to what could have happened. What did happen. 

 

“What are you doing?” 

 

Jester's voice is sharp with worry now that they have a moment's rest. Away from the fire giants, closer, that much closer to open air. Beau blinks, pulling her mind from that to re enter on the tiefling before her with the flicking tail. “Sorry, what?”

 

Her cheeks puff out, her eyes unnervingly hard as she gestures at Beau's hands. “When were you going to tell anyone you had been hurt?” She demanded sharply, and Beauregard can feel curious eyes falling in them. Jester so rarely snaps at any of them. But they don't speak, turning their backs to continue walking and allow their conversation to be private.

 

She wishes someone would interrupt. She can't stand Jester's accusing look. She can't stand thinking that Jester thinks she cares for her. It is the darkness, it is the cage. The bird fluttering its wings at what it thinks is sunlight when it is only a candle burning itself out.

 

“I was just going to wrap them.” She admitted quietly. 

 

“That's stupid.” 

 

Jester scowled at the other woman, but didn't pull her hands away as Jester healed them quietly. 

 

And she didn't pull away as fast as she should, letting the touch linger for just a second longer than it should.

 

\------------

 

It's something small. So very very minuscule. It doesn't feel nearly enough to make up for whatever mistake she had made. Maybe if she knew where she had misstepped she could go back and fix it. But she didn't. She didn't know where, between having Beau curl around her inexperienced fingers and the next morning, she had gone wrong.

 

So she had to make it up in little steps. Small things. The only way she could down here in this tunnel that now seemed never ending, choking, blighted.

 

But Beau had always seemed to sleep between when light rain drummed against whatever roof was above their heads. And while it didn't really have the same effect, no sight of little droplets above their heads, no knowledge that a possible shower was right outside their bubble, it was what Jester could offer. The soft sound of raindrops bouncing against the bubble. The steady drum of thaumaturgy. 

 

She glanced at the other woman over Yasha's shoulder. The monk had pointedly put the larger woman between them. 

 

Oh she had so messed up but she didn't know how.

 

But she could see how the wrinkles disappeared from Beau's forehead as the rain continued to drum. She saw the way she relaxed in to the small blankets they had laid out. So she had done something right then. She smiled softly, and she got a smile back from Beauregard. Something soft, something hesitant.

 

And she felt something loosen in her chest.

 

Maybe things would get better. Maybe it was just a hiccup in their journey.

 

\----------

 

Fear. 

No. 

Terror. 

 

It crashed over her in roaring waved as she watched Jester dive in to the center of the battle. It was overwhelming and screaming alarms in her head louder than any spell. The last time she allowed someone to rush in to battle without her, they had died. He had died. 

 

Not this one. 

 

She is moving across the battlefield, she is moving with purpose, with intent, and it can not silence the shrieking screams in her heart. The rattling of steel bars as something twists and turns. As claws scratch, as wings thrash about. Denying death, denying loss, screeching it's denial as a songbird becomes a bird of prey.

 

Then there is silence, everything reigns calm. Jester is in her arms, silence. People are moving, gathering the dead now that the mage has left, silence. Jester is breathing but her eyes are closed and there is silence.

 

Then her eyes open and there is a shuddering breath and Beauregard is bending over the tiefling. Tears are running down her cheeks and she does not even bother to try and hide them. “Idiot! Idiot! What would I tell your mother? What would I do if you died you stupid woman!” 

 

Her voice cracks against the stones of the mountain, and her friends are trying to shush her but she only pulls Jester tight to her chest and she rocks back and forth, her fingers tangling in her blue hair.

 

Cadeusus stands beside them, a silent guardian figure with his hand on her shoulder. It feels familiar, grounding. He doesn't speak, but he keeps the others at bay until Beau can breathe again, before they can move on their way.

 

That night they curl tightly together. There is tension, yes, but then Jester's hand lays against her cheek. She smiles and Beauregard finds it hard to breathe. So she says the only thing that has been running through her head since Jester went down. Well, besides the fear, the terror, the anger, the love.

 

“Molly would think we were being ridiculous, was dying time. Not just fucking bring happy with what we have.” 

 

“I think. I think Molly would want us to be happy. To not dwell on our failings. To grab life by the horns.”

 

“Or me to grab you by the horns? That seems more up his alley.”

 

The dark blush that spread across Jester's cheeks made something swell up in Beau's heart, and wings ruffled as a bird burst into song.

  
  
  



End file.
